Relenting to ongoing and unrelenting pressure from Midwestern identity lobbyists, Google today changed its name to Topeka. The move took patrons and staff alike by surprise.

"I would have picked Lincoln," says Miriam Horslanger, a now-Topeka customer service rep. "It sounds better to say 'I'll Lincoln it,' rather than, 'I'll Topeka it.' I mean, it sounds like you're gagging or something."

"It's a dangerous move," says a West Coast art director who asked not to be named for this story. "They should have consulted us first so we could have applied our patented Brand Unearthment Methodology™. If you consider 'Google' as a person, you would see that he is a curious, helpful, friendly sort—he has lots of outside interests, flosses regularly, likely runs in marathons, and drives a Prius. But 'Topeka'? What is that supposed to mean? My intern says it's the name of a city, but honestly, it sounds like the name of a drug for urinary tract infections."

The company will maintain its readily identifiable, multicolor logo style, although the shadow—considered a bit too satanic in some Midwestern areas—will be dropped. Users who continue to enter "Google" as a destination address will be automatically redirected to a site where they will receive instruction on how noodling around on the Internet for hours does not support a good work ethic.

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